I want to let you know that I forgive you. I am sure you don’t even know the impact you have had on my life. I am unsure if I even know. I have started on a journey of finding myself, my truth. I have run into road block after road block in my life and I am starting to think that it stems back to you. It’s easy to blame you for what happened and play the victim, but I refuse to do that. I know, now, that you did the best you could with the tools you had and that I was meant to have these experiences from you so I can learn, grow, and become the woman that I am meant to be.
I want you to know exactly how you made me feel though, because through the feelings I can heal myself.
I hated school because of you. I was a good student and I learned easily, but I still felt like I wasn’t good enough. I felt out of place, ugly, and fat. Even when I excelled in one area, you tore me down in another. I would cry myself to sleep on a nightly basis.
One day you gave me a pen, wrapped in beautiful holographic wrapping paper. I was so excited to receive a gift! It was passed throughout the class, from desk to desk, to be given to me. I got excited. I loved receiving surprises. I unwrapped the shiny paper and in horror opened it to see that it was a pen. A pen inscribed with the words, “The Perfect Image”, on it. You and your girlfriends started laughing, because you know that it hurt my feelings. It was no secret that you thought that I thought I was perfect.
You had it wrong, though. I actually hated myself. Truly. I wasn’t considered beautiful like the popular girls were. I felt unloved and unworthy. I thought about suicide more than once. I so desperately wanted to feel loved and accepted. I now have 2 daughters and the thought of them going through what I went through scares me. I don’t want them to be you and I don’t want them to be treated like you treated me either. I wish that I could shelter them from real life, but I know that all I can do is teach them and show them how to treat others and pray that they don’t have to experience this horrible part of life. I know that I can’t control that part though, and so I release that from my hands.
What if a world existed where we accepted each other for all our differences? What if we realized that we are all one? What if we could love each other regardless of race, gender, appearance, or beliefs? Am I ever going to see a world where this exists?
Quite honestly, I feel sorry for you. Sorry that you had to act out the way you did. I am sorry that you felt the need to be mean to me, because I bet you didn’t like yourself either. My life is forever changed because of the way you treated me. I keep repeating the same patterns and keep having the same feelings around acceptance and worthiness. I have learned that having compassion for others is the best that I can do in order to see that what you did to me was not out of love, it was simply from fear. And when we approach life from fear, no one wins, not even you.
I am done. I want to break free of this chain and let the pieces fall where they may, far away from me. I am ready to run and be bold, and speak my truth. It’s safe now, and there is no one to stop me from doing so. I know that healing my wounds will release the power inside of myself that I could never see before. I see it now, waiting to be let out. Watch out. Here I come.